We have all the time in this world to be old. Now I just have to be just a little bit older than a pubertal adolescent male… ------ I have been pondering on many things lately, thinking about relationships, public health, academics, nutrition, elderly in makati. Darn. And I feel like my whole life is so boring, I can't even hold hands with the one I love, I can't even have the one I love around my arms just in time when I need a hug the most. I feel like my whole life is going sooo stagnant and I just can't do anything to keep it flowing, moving, and prevent this boring life of mine from being the malaria breeding place that it is already becoming. You know what's weird, I am with someone and just in time when I thought that every thing is going soo perfectly fine, I will realize that this life is such a big joke, that I have a knack for complicated things, I feel like complications and I are opposite poles pulling towards each other, making each other's life turn like roller coaster ride. I have a not so perfect relationship, impaired by lack of communication, aggravated by love that you think is lust, interfered by religion when in real life, faith doesn't really have to matter because what matters most is love, just love. Because love goes beyond boundaries of religion, faith and destiny, it traverses all the complicated things and if we just let it control us, everything will be perfect. If we can just stop thinking for a moment, enjoy every moment that we have now, then everything will be perfectly fine. If we can just put all our sub/unconscious thoughts at the back of our head for a moment, then what we'll see are real smiles, are real passion, real love that is not lust. I love you. But I want to be loved the way the way I love you. And I guess, I just can't do anything about it. P.S. I am still tired. And I have an empty bed. And I am sad. I am sad that you don't even ask how I am, how I feel, and where I am.

They say that the end of the sem is the best thing that can ever happen sa buhay ng isang estudyante. Exams are all over, the 8hour sleep prescribed by docs can finally be achieved, you can splurge on food without thinking of allowances going zero. The end of the sem is a bliss, a utopia of dreams that you have been creating ever since the sem started. Pagod na ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang uunahin, ang pagtulo ng luha o ang pagtipa sa keyboard na parang extension na ng utak ko. Tuloy tuloy na pagagos ng thoughts na hindi ko man lang alam kung pinagisipan ba o hindi. Parang mga reflex thoughts na hanggang spine lang abot, parang sadness na hinayaan kong hanggang doon na lang, para hindi maginterfere sa mga fresh health policy and education thoughts para sa exam ko kanina. Pagod na pagod na ako. At hindi pa matatapos ang sem na to. Sa susunod na linggo, presentation na ng thesis namin. At sa tuwing naiisip ko lahat ng mga possible stressors sa buhay ko, hindi ko na mapigilan ang lacrimal gland ko, kusa na lang cya magpapansin, kahit sa public place, kahit saan. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat ko gawin para maibsan ung kalungkutan at pagod na nararamdaman ko, parang im at the end of the road where I have no choice but find another way out pero kahit anong gawin ay walang mahanap. Alam ko kapag nauubusan na ako ng pag-asa kasi kahit ako na magaling magpep talk ng mga taong nawawalan ng loob, ay hindi na magawang palakasin ang sarili nya at sabihing 'kaya pa'. Kinulang ako ng kaunting puntos sa clin chem, kaunting puntos na siguro, maaring magbago sa buhay ko, hindi ko nga alam kung panghihinayan ang nararamdaman ko, hindi naman kasi ako regret person, alam ko na lahat ng nangyayari ngayon ay dulot ng mga choices na ginawa ko before. Parang sa test, hindi ko pinagsisisihan na A ang sagot ko, kahit mali ito. Sabi ko nga kanina, yun na ang best ko. At ang best ko, siguro hanggang dun na lang, hanggang sabit. Tapos na ang sem, pakiramdam ko, kung may isang aspeto ng buhay ko na masasabi kong panalo ako, yun na siguro ang fact na may kasabay akong kumain ngayon ng lunch, pagkatapos ng isang napakastressful na umaga, pagkatapos gumawa ng rush poster sa HPEd, pagkatapos magexam, pagkatapos malaman na hanggang ngayon, hanggang sabit pa rin ang best ko. Maybe I will ge t over. I always get over. Just let me rant now. I'll make it. Tomorrow I'll be fine. Promise jow.. I promise. _*blink

3x.

 

Ngayong araw, iniyak ko ang ikatlong set ng mga luha na reserved para sa thesis. Sa mga bibihirang okasyon mo lang ako makikitang umiyak. Sa pagkakatanda ko, ang unang luhang iniyak ko consciously ay nung mamatay si lola. Ang ikalawang conscious tear ay nung gusto ko na magpakamatay dahil sa stress na dulot ng senior life ko sa science high school. Ang mga random tears ko naman ay dahil lang sa simpleng mga bagay, kagaya ng innate crying nung bata o kapag nadadala sa maalaala mo kaya o kahit anong korni na drama sa tv o sa pelikula.

 

At ngayon, ibinibigay ko ang trono ng aking pagluha sa thesis at sa lahat ng mga bagay o taong kadikit nito.

 

Ang labo. Naiyak ako ng malaman ko na allergic si jansil sa maraming mga bagay. Naiyak ako ng malaman ko na araw-araw siyang nakaanti-histamine, iniinda lahat ng hilo para pumasok sa school at gawin ang mga responsibilidad bilang estudyante. Mas naiyak ako ng malaman ko na hindi cya bibili ng tiket pauwi sa probinsya nila sa mindanao. At simula ng sandaling yon, humanga at rumespeto ako kay jansil.

 

Naiiyak pa rina ko hanggang ngayon, siguro dahil pinigilan ko ang mahabang stream ng luha ko kanina sa harap nila. Siguro kasi sa panandaling panahon, hinayaan kong makita ng mundo ang pagluha ko. At sapat na yon para sa akin, sapat na ang maliit na bintanang binuksan ko kanina para kumawala lahat ng hinagpis na nararamdaman ko.

 

Sanay ako sa pagod, pero hindi ako sanay ng ganito. Sanay akong mag-isa, pero hindi ako sanay na umasang may kasama. Kaya ko mag-isa, pero hindi ko kayang magkaroon ng kasama pero manatiling mag-isa.

_*blink

kapaguran sa lahat ng bagay.
bow.
no time
early sign of graduation.
haha.
sabaw.
bow.
blink

Naalala ko pa noon how I would be crazy over someone and see that person fly away without me even doing a thing, taking stolen glances and being happy with the way things are. I was contented being anonymous then, having secret crushes, I mean, having loads of secret crushes in school, dying out of kilig seeing that person and running away from them like they're a person with Ebola, the only difference is that this Ebola is like a piece of tasty lamb that I can devour anytime.

 

But things change, we grow up. Sabi ko kagabi, as a person matures, he tends to listen more, a person who reflects on the meaning of conversations and life, a person who chooses his words carefully knowing that any wrong word said might hurt someone. When someone told me before that wisdom comes with age, I wasn't in any way believing a piece of what he said. I thought then that older people can't really be more wiser than younger people, they just have more experiences, that's it. Kung baga, nauna lang sila ipinanganak.

 

But now I understand, I was wrong for doubting that wisdom comes with age, na lamang lang sila sa experiences. Because the real reason for this maturity is lessons from mistakes, mistakes committed from every experience, experience is wisdom, and wisdom is far from the erudition that we achieve from school. Wisdom is what older people emanate. And I think that's the reason why I was always attracted to older people. Because they understand, because they listen, because they choose their words carefully.

 

I won’t say that I am mature. You'll only be mature the moment you have admitted to yourself how immature you are. I am not mature enough, but I am getting there.

 

And it starts with listening and understanding.

 

_*blink

 

 

Exams yesterday were easy. Last exams for 2 subjects, assuming na I won't be taking the final exams (TRIVIA: once pa lang ako nagfifinal exam, and that was  during my first semester in my first year in UP, math17, blame the sudden urge for living the life of a free man). Ang weird lang how fast time flies (I wanted to tell this in a different way but I guess this cliché will do). I can’t believe that in less than 5 months, I shall be walking out of Lara Hall with my toga and diploma. In less than 5 months, the real world will finally embrace me, the 20-year old fresh UP grad who is still stuck in limbo.

 

I met with an old friend yesterday, Vida. Actually, Vida is not an old friend in the sense that she's old or our friendship is old. We met during the National Leadership Training for Student Government Officers, we were Regional SSG Presidents then, yep, I know, popular young politicians who are idealistic and ready to do anything. We were party-mates during the elections for the national officers, where we won by the way. We were both chosen by the Department of Education to represent the Philippines in the 6th ASEAN Student Exchange Programme in Brunei Darussalam. I think our real friendship started there.

 

Vida is now on her 4th year in Hospital, Institution and Restaurant Management in UP Diliman. We don't see each other often, however, I feel like we were just walking along the park in Brunei, jogging early in the morning, and enjoying breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon breakfast, dinner and midnight snack. Parang walang 4 years na pagitan. May ganon pala talagang mga pagkakaibigan, na kahit matagal kayong nagkahiwalay o hindi nagkita, parang hindi man lang nabawasan ang intensity ng pagkakaibigan. Awkward moments will only last for a few minutes then poof, we're the old good friends. At masaya ako na ganito, kasi isa si Vida sa mga malapit kong kaibigan na sobrang vinavalue ko.

 

Vida is also planning to apply for UPMed. I know it's weird for HRM grads to go to med school (when docs shift to nursing after, *HRM is now the new nursing*), but hey, the key in being a doctor is wanting it so bad even though it will take enduring all the hardships, that you won't even remember that your undergrad was all about guacamole, spices, cheese and whatever. And after talking to vida, I feel like I want this UP Med slot so bad, I want this 2 slot for Vida and I.

 

The moment I saw Vida, I already knew that our friendship will never be short-lived. :)

Today I learned that cavite is the most populated province in the Philippines.

Today, I also learned that the 2 vaccines (AIDSVAX and  ALVAC) which were tested in Thailand, were able to stop the infection by 30%. However, using these vaccines individually produces less effective results and the 30% success was attributed to the mixed effects of the two vaccines. It is planned to be tested in Africa where half of all the cases of HIV in the world is concentrated.

Today, I also learned that I want to be an endocrinologist. Sabi ni denise, short lived lang daw ang kagustuhan ko ng specialization bilang doctor, at nagiging gusto ko maging ang field na diniscuss sa araw na yon sa school. But I really feel that this is what I want to do, as of now. I want a field that will make use of my knowledge in Public Health, that can allow me to interact with patients and focus on the theories of diseases. And I think, internal medicine is where I belong, not surgery or whatever. :)

Today, I learned that I can tear my pants and make something new out of it. And now, my old jeans is a short shorts that I am in love with. Maybe, I can be a designer. :)

Pero whatever, maybe I should rest now, and say hello to the 2 exams waiting for me upon waking.

 

Yehey. ;)

Takot ako sa pusa. At ang gabi na to ang nagpamulat sa akin ng extent ng takot ko sa kanila. At kung bakit love na love ko ang Comparative Anatomy Lab kung saan kinakalkal namin ang lamang loob nito, ang tanging paraan para makaganti ako sa lahat ng kasamaang dulot nila sa buhay ko.

 

Takot ako sa pusa. At hindi pa rin tumitigil ang mabilis na pagpintig ng puso ko dahil sa mga naganap ilang minuto lang ang nakalipas. 2AM, pauwi na ako ng dorm, papasok na sana, pero may nakaharang na pusa sa tanging daanan papasok ng dorm. Ang sama ng tingin ng pusa sa akin na para bang may masama cyang balak, pakiramdam ko, para akong daga kanina na kapag lumapit, ay biglang susunggaban at hindi na makakawala.

 

Paikot ikot ako sa paligid ng dorm, nagdarasal na umalis na ang pusa sa daan. But no, nanatili cya doon. Habang pumapatak ang mainit na pawis mula sa noo ko, habang sumisilip patago mula sa isang poste sa malayo, nakita ko na hanggang s apuwesto ko ay naabot ako ng tanaw ng nakakatakot na pusang iyon. Sa totoo lang, ngayon lang ako natakot ng ganito sa buong buhay ko.

 

Tumawag ako ng tulong mula sa mga waiters ng Sinangag Express. Sabi ko, kung pwede nila hawiin ang pusa na humaharang sa daan papunta sa dorm. Pero pinagtatawanan lang nila ako, napahiya lang ako, ayaw nilang maniwala na takot ako sa pusa, pinagtawanan lang nila ako na parang nakatira lang ako ng shabu at gumagawa ng dahilan para magkaroon ng outlet ng kabangaggan.

 

Sawi ako sa paghingi ng tulong kaya muli akong sumilip sa daanang yon. Wala na ang nakakatakot na pusa, napaltan na ito ng isang mas maliit na itim na pusa. Na hindi mashadong masama ang tingin,. Kaya naman dali dali akong pumasok, nagdarasal na wala sa kalooban ang pusang kinakatakutan, at na hindi sundan ng maliit at potential na mamatay tao ng pusa na nakita ko seconds before.

 

At yan. Fuck. Kahit ung pagsusulat ko naapektuhan ng takot ko.

 

 

Minsan, naiisip ko, wala na ba talaga akong ibang sasabihin sa blog na ito  kung hindi ang magreklamo sa kapaguran na nararamdaman ko, na wala bang katapusan ang mga drama-dramahan sa buhay at kung kailan ba mauubusan ng kwento si ako.

 

Pero minsan lang yon, kasi mas naiisip ko na isa sa mga natitirang bagay na nakakapagparamdam na isa pa rin akong human being (kahit 1% lang) ay ang blog na to.

 

Hindi kagaya ng partner in life na kapag kinalimutan mong i-love you o pansinin ng matagal, unti-unting mawawala at magdridrift away from the relationship, ang blog, walang choice kung hindi tanggapin ng tanggapin lahat ng suka (mapatotoong suka man yan o sa pormang letra) ng buhay na madalas ay walang kwenta.

 

So gagawin ko na ang favorite at nagiisang bagay kung bakit buhay pa si blink (ang tanggapin ang binubugang apoy mula sa kaibuturan ng kung ano man ni jow):

 

IM ALIVE. But I am dead inside.

 

Woohoo. Alive alive alive forever more.

 

_*blink

Baliw lang.