message to the College of Public Health by the Herald Editor in chief What keeps a publication alive? It may seem like herald lost everything. Manpower, funds, moral support from friends, facilities, publishing house, official header, paper and pen - actually, the list can go as long as your xmas wish. But herald is alive. Like the man who can't be moved, it is an institution waiting for the return of its prodigal sons and daughters, maybe in vain, yes, but an institution that will never turn its back on talent, passion and desire for the change only pen can achieve. Herald is alive. I remember telling my then complete editorial staff last semester that as long as there are people who are willing to make sacrifices, who are ready to take steps just to ensure the existence of the freedom of speech in the college, people who see the absence of fund not as a hindrance but a motivation to strive harder and publish even a single article, we will never die. Because by letting herald die, we let the freedom in this college perish. By leaving herald as a trace of dust in the history of our hall, we cut the cord that makes our voice heard. That is why even when more than half of the people who said yes to Herald is long gone even before they even said 'no' and 'ayoko na', we are still here. That is why even if we have to sacrifice NMAT, Parasitology and Radiologic Health Exam and EpiInfo data encoding, we are still here. Because dedication makes our ink bottomless, more precious than your g-tech. Herald is alive. Poster-size, yes, but ALIVE.

Today can be one of the worst, ever. My day ended like this: going back to my dorm, smoking a cigar, all soaked in spilled soda from BK. My jansport bag is teeming with dirt and coke. My cellphones dripping with mushroom sauce. Wrong order from bk, after hours of craving for the only thing that could have saved me from all the other worst things that happened this day - the 2 pack barbeque cheese sandwhich. I had to take all the bad taste coming from that mushroom burger, consequently swallowing all the negativities this day offered. And yes, spilled coke. Blame my wandering mind, blame my taste buds craving for other things, blame my stomach for rumbling, blame my stupid hormones, blame my testosterone, blame my pimples, blame corticosteroids, blame dengue, blame insomnia, blame me. I don’t even have the power to narrate everything that happened. I am in not in the right state to even say a word and express this tiredness enveloping my soon-t0-be-infested-with-red-ants body. Fuck this.

Sabi nila, those people daw who are good in giving advices need the advice more than the person asking it from them. Sabi nila, the love doctors in the world are the real loveless people ever existing. And couldn't I just get any luckier? I think I am both. Kapag may problema ang mga kaibigan ko sa puso, ewan ko ba kung bakit sa akin sila tumatakbo. Siguro kasi I present them with the real and the fantasy, kung anu ang totoong nangyayari at kung ano ang gusto nating mangyari sa pekeng mundo na gawa gawa lang natin. Pero naisip ko, buti pa nga sila, may problema sa puso, haha, ako kahit anong gawin kong pagtambling sa harap ng kung sino, hindi man lang mapansin. Buti pa sila may problema sa puso, samantalang ako, wala ng puso. Sa mga nagdaang araw, bihira naman sumagi sa isip ko ang problemang pag-ibig. Kasi naman, sa bawat minuto na yata ng buhay ko, wala akong ibang inatupag kung hindi ang thesis ko. Kasi naman, bumabalik na naman ako sa workaholic na ako na kayang hindi kumain ng buong araw or kayang kalimutan na hindi pa kumakain buong araw matapos lang lahat ng kailangan para sa thesis. Madalas, natatapos ang araw na nagawa ko naman lahat ng mga nakatakda. Pero joke lang un, kasi kahit sa paguwi ko sa dorm o sa bahay, wala namang ibang laman ang utak ko kung hindi ang pagplaplano ng schedule o pageedit ng papel na ipapasa bukas. Sa madaling salita, wala akong oxygen dahil thesis ang hinihinga ko. Wala akong carbon dioxide dahil thesis parin ang bawat hangin na lumalabas sa baga ko. Wala akong ibang panaginip dahil kahit sa pagtulog ay sinusundan ako nito. Loser ako, pero I am such a mega loser for an academic pursuit. So eto ang mga moments na tapos ko na ang mga short-term plans ko for thesis,yung tipong nakaprint at nakaenvelope na silang lahat, ready isubmit sa panel ang produkto ng sandamakmak na pawis at dugong lumabas sa bawat pores ng balat ko. At ito na rin ang moment ng pagbalik ko sa reality. Ang moment na pinakaayaw ko. Ang moment na maalala ko kung paano pala ako kabroken beyond repair. Ang moment na wala na lahat ng numbness at anesthetic effect ng thesis at stress. Tao na naman ako, at kagaya ng nutritional vulnerability na inaaral ko, vulnerable na naman ako. Hindi na isang superhero thesis groupmate. Isa na lang akong simpleng tao na naghihintay ng superhero na magsesave sa akin. Ayoko talaga ng mga moments na ganito. Ayoko na bumabalik sa reality. Mas gusto ko pang magthesis maghapon magdamag kaysa magkaroon ng maraming oras para isipin lahat ng kalungkutan na sandali ko munang kinalimutan.

hindi ko maintindihan. wala akong maramdaman. kahit ang mababang grade sa micro. hindi ko maramdaman. haha. sisihin ang thesis

i don't want to be that someone who gives up on relationships. i think it's a sign of failure, and weakness, and cowardice. one thing i've learned from ritz anne, my closest friend in PH before, was to love like it's never gonna hurt. i have never really understand what she meant by those words then. i have never really understand why she was so crazy over that person she was with years ago. i have never really understand why she's sooo crazy and stupid until i became crazy and stupid too. and then, i realized, that loving like it's never gonna hurt is the best thing that she ever said to me. kahit na alam kong it's stupid, kahit na alam kong it will always hurt. when i love, i give my all. i give everything that i can offer kasi ayokong may pagsisihan. ayokong dumating ang isang araw na itatanong ko sa sarili ko kung bakit nagkaganon, or bakit nangyari to. gusto ko, bawat relationships na papasukan ko, naibigay ko lahat ng kaya ko at that moment. i don't give up on relationships. people give up on me. maybe that's just how it is. il get over this, getting over is my normal state. finding and having someone are so abnormal i don't wanna be that pathologic again. everything happens for a reason even though they all seem so unreasonable. blink at the end of the day, the only one who loves me is Him.

i wouldn't care less if you care because i have never felt an ounce of caring for the past week. the only thing close to refuge is the hug from my mother and sister who go to my dorm, snatch some time from this crap life of mine revolving around thesis just to spare me all the love that i am missing. the only time that i have for my dear friends are random quick moments every time i'll be taking a 2-minute break from working for thesis in starbucks. that's all they can have, 2 minutes. the only thing that i do in the internet is a 30-second allowance to check my mail for the message of our statistician. o don't forget my 1-minute allowance for facebook, and maybe a little more minutes to write a super fast journal entry. and the rest of the day is devoted to continuous researching. maybe if this laptop could talk, he would shout at me, he would kill me for killing the keyboard, for typing so fast, typing so hard like im channeling all the anger inside me towards this computer keys. if this monitor could talk, she would shout at me, shout like i am staring too much she feels like im baring her to nothingness. if my body could talk, he would demand sleep. and that, that is something i can never even spare myself. the only thing i can do for this stupid body is a 1-minute quick shower. and the one thing i have been asking is comfort, something i think i can never find. :(

foggy eyeglasses. foggy vision. numb brain. numb heart. reflex means transmitting impulses directly from the brain to my fingers, to that magic device that makes these words appear on that weird bright screen i am facing. these are my cold play moments, moments where i turn on the music player to listen to cold play, let them take me into a momentary musical bliss that can soothe the cluttered cluttering impulses, half-hoping that they will be uncluttered even just from poly to oligo chains of uncluttered segments. :) tired. :) and blogging. that means i am really tired.

We have all the time in this world to be old. Now I just have to be just a little bit older than a pubertal adolescent male… ------ I have been pondering on many things lately, thinking about relationships, public health, academics, nutrition, elderly in makati. Darn. And I feel like my whole life is so boring, I can't even hold hands with the one I love, I can't even have the one I love around my arms just in time when I need a hug the most. I feel like my whole life is going sooo stagnant and I just can't do anything to keep it flowing, moving, and prevent this boring life of mine from being the malaria breeding place that it is already becoming. You know what's weird, I am with someone and just in time when I thought that every thing is going soo perfectly fine, I will realize that this life is such a big joke, that I have a knack for complicated things, I feel like complications and I are opposite poles pulling towards each other, making each other's life turn like roller coaster ride. I have a not so perfect relationship, impaired by lack of communication, aggravated by love that you think is lust, interfered by religion when in real life, faith doesn't really have to matter because what matters most is love, just love. Because love goes beyond boundaries of religion, faith and destiny, it traverses all the complicated things and if we just let it control us, everything will be perfect. If we can just stop thinking for a moment, enjoy every moment that we have now, then everything will be perfectly fine. If we can just put all our sub/unconscious thoughts at the back of our head for a moment, then what we'll see are real smiles, are real passion, real love that is not lust. I love you. But I want to be loved the way the way I love you. And I guess, I just can't do anything about it. P.S. I am still tired. And I have an empty bed. And I am sad. I am sad that you don't even ask how I am, how I feel, and where I am.

They say that the end of the sem is the best thing that can ever happen sa buhay ng isang estudyante. Exams are all over, the 8hour sleep prescribed by docs can finally be achieved, you can splurge on food without thinking of allowances going zero. The end of the sem is a bliss, a utopia of dreams that you have been creating ever since the sem started. Pagod na ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang uunahin, ang pagtulo ng luha o ang pagtipa sa keyboard na parang extension na ng utak ko. Tuloy tuloy na pagagos ng thoughts na hindi ko man lang alam kung pinagisipan ba o hindi. Parang mga reflex thoughts na hanggang spine lang abot, parang sadness na hinayaan kong hanggang doon na lang, para hindi maginterfere sa mga fresh health policy and education thoughts para sa exam ko kanina. Pagod na pagod na ako. At hindi pa matatapos ang sem na to. Sa susunod na linggo, presentation na ng thesis namin. At sa tuwing naiisip ko lahat ng mga possible stressors sa buhay ko, hindi ko na mapigilan ang lacrimal gland ko, kusa na lang cya magpapansin, kahit sa public place, kahit saan. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat ko gawin para maibsan ung kalungkutan at pagod na nararamdaman ko, parang im at the end of the road where I have no choice but find another way out pero kahit anong gawin ay walang mahanap. Alam ko kapag nauubusan na ako ng pag-asa kasi kahit ako na magaling magpep talk ng mga taong nawawalan ng loob, ay hindi na magawang palakasin ang sarili nya at sabihing 'kaya pa'. Kinulang ako ng kaunting puntos sa clin chem, kaunting puntos na siguro, maaring magbago sa buhay ko, hindi ko nga alam kung panghihinayan ang nararamdaman ko, hindi naman kasi ako regret person, alam ko na lahat ng nangyayari ngayon ay dulot ng mga choices na ginawa ko before. Parang sa test, hindi ko pinagsisisihan na A ang sagot ko, kahit mali ito. Sabi ko nga kanina, yun na ang best ko. At ang best ko, siguro hanggang dun na lang, hanggang sabit. Tapos na ang sem, pakiramdam ko, kung may isang aspeto ng buhay ko na masasabi kong panalo ako, yun na siguro ang fact na may kasabay akong kumain ngayon ng lunch, pagkatapos ng isang napakastressful na umaga, pagkatapos gumawa ng rush poster sa HPEd, pagkatapos magexam, pagkatapos malaman na hanggang ngayon, hanggang sabit pa rin ang best ko. Maybe I will ge t over. I always get over. Just let me rant now. I'll make it. Tomorrow I'll be fine. Promise jow.. I promise. _*blink

3x.

 

Ngayong araw, iniyak ko ang ikatlong set ng mga luha na reserved para sa thesis. Sa mga bibihirang okasyon mo lang ako makikitang umiyak. Sa pagkakatanda ko, ang unang luhang iniyak ko consciously ay nung mamatay si lola. Ang ikalawang conscious tear ay nung gusto ko na magpakamatay dahil sa stress na dulot ng senior life ko sa science high school. Ang mga random tears ko naman ay dahil lang sa simpleng mga bagay, kagaya ng innate crying nung bata o kapag nadadala sa maalaala mo kaya o kahit anong korni na drama sa tv o sa pelikula.

 

At ngayon, ibinibigay ko ang trono ng aking pagluha sa thesis at sa lahat ng mga bagay o taong kadikit nito.

 

Ang labo. Naiyak ako ng malaman ko na allergic si jansil sa maraming mga bagay. Naiyak ako ng malaman ko na araw-araw siyang nakaanti-histamine, iniinda lahat ng hilo para pumasok sa school at gawin ang mga responsibilidad bilang estudyante. Mas naiyak ako ng malaman ko na hindi cya bibili ng tiket pauwi sa probinsya nila sa mindanao. At simula ng sandaling yon, humanga at rumespeto ako kay jansil.

 

Naiiyak pa rina ko hanggang ngayon, siguro dahil pinigilan ko ang mahabang stream ng luha ko kanina sa harap nila. Siguro kasi sa panandaling panahon, hinayaan kong makita ng mundo ang pagluha ko. At sapat na yon para sa akin, sapat na ang maliit na bintanang binuksan ko kanina para kumawala lahat ng hinagpis na nararamdaman ko.

 

Sanay ako sa pagod, pero hindi ako sanay ng ganito. Sanay akong mag-isa, pero hindi ako sanay na umasang may kasama. Kaya ko mag-isa, pero hindi ko kayang magkaroon ng kasama pero manatiling mag-isa.

_*blink